A New Beginning
by Louise77
Summary: It had finally happened. You were standing still, eyes wide with horror. "Petra is.." You couldn't believe it... No. You wouldn't believe it. (female)Reader x Levi. After the Female Titan attack. T for language. *CONTAINS SPOILERS* *TRIGGER WARNING* *GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF VIOLENCE*
1. Chapter 1

"Petra is..."

You breathed slowly, feeling as though your heart was coming up your throat. You took a long, deep breath of air and exhaled. That usually helped you in emotional situations, though this time... You didn't think anything would work this time. You clenched your jaw and felt hot tears stinging your eyes and blurring your vision. 

"Damn," you whispered under your breath as you held a proud stance. The Commander nodded lightly and turned away, a slight look of pain on his face. Out in the background you could see bewildered cadets watching you, sympathizing with you, or simply staring off into the distance, images of brutality steam-pressed into their memory forever. 

You held your salute for some time before dropping your hands to your sides. _Petra._ It echoed throughout your mind. As you slowly turned towards headquarters, your eyes focused on Petra's father who seemed to be conversing with Corporal. You tried your best to listen in on the conversation as they slowly walked nearby.

"…she mentioned that you respected her abilities enough to let her join your squad," Petra's father said, "that she was going to devote herself to you."

_Devote herself to him? Did she..?_

Their voices faded as they passed you on the dirt road. As they did, you caught a glimpse of Corporal's shadowed face. An expression you'd never seen him make before. He was having a difficult time listening to the conversation, you could tell, with his memories of the past. He walked consistently with his front facing ahead, probably trying his best to shake the man off without being too forward.

"Well, I guess she's too starry-eyed to consider how her father feels!" Petra's father kept up, a bit of nervousness coming up in his voice, "Well, as her father, I think it's too early for her to marry."

Your breath hitched. _He doesn't know,_ you thought as you lowered your head and moved farther and farther away. Dodging angry citizens as they called you the usual slew of vulgar words, you headed back towards headquarters. You felt your legs go numb and your arms weaken. You tried your absolute best to stay prim and proper as you regularly were.

_Not now. Not here. _You reached your dorm, twisted the brass handle with a shaky hand and slid yourself inside.

You were well aware of your feelings and you didn't like it. The feeling of losing someone close. The feeling of losing the only person you were close with. The other Elites and Cadets, frankly, thought of you as a droid; hardly ever talking to anyone and basically just keeping to yourself.

_Except Petra.._

You blinked back tears. No. You promised yourself. You abruptly got up and walked over to your desk, fetching your book and a pen. Dipping the pen in ink, you began writing. Actually, sketching. You let your mind do whatever it wanted this time. There was no holding back.

_"(Reader)!" she said, a smile spread wide across her face, "I got some extra for you. I know you don't like standing in lines.. So here you go." she handed you some of the extra food that was being given out to the starved cadets. _

_"Ral..." you said, confused. You looked her in the eyes. _

_"Call me Petra, you sound like the drill instructor." she giggled and sat down right beside you._

_You couldn't really say anything back. You didn't really know what to say at all; you'd never really talked to people. But for that moment, you felt something change in you. From the moment you saw that shining smile of hers, it almost made you feel happy. Almost. But as that bond grew bigger and bigger and she dug in deeper and deeper, you felt, for the first time in a very long time, content. You were okay with life for the moment, as long as you could see that big shining smile. _

You were suddenly awoken by a loud knock on the door. You gasped. Shit. Bunk inspections. You mentally slapped yourself in the face. _This'll be terrifying,_ you thought. You got up and swiftly checked yourself to make sure you were presentable. You were nothing close to it. One quick look in your mirror and you found that you had giant, and I mean giant, bags under your eyes. Your skin looked shiny from grease and your eyes bloodshot and moist. Your hair was strewn out everywhere from your tight bun.

"(Last Name)!" you heard the Captain. Shit.

You decided it was no use trying to act it off. Your night had been the worst night of your life. As far as emotion came, you didn't like to express it. You gave a sad sigh and went over to your door. You prayed for your life as you twisted the knob calmly and was pushed back by the door being forced open.

"Sir," you saluted. You felt your heart beat quicken at the sight of his enraged expression. He pushed you to the side and quickly started surveying your room. Your room, for one, wasn't actually bad. The only things out of place were you book and your ink you were using the night before.

You watched as he lifted the side of your book up and let it fall. You could see his discontent with the thing being out. He then looked around a little more to find your bed made neatly and your clothes put away nicely. Your room was never one to be dirty. You were very organized most of the time and didn't like things out of place. Petra understood that about you. _Petra._

"(Last Name)." you heard the Captain say. You came out of your daze and your gaze met with a displeased one.

"You look like shit," he said bluntly, "you failed the inspection. 20 laps."

_As expected. Merciless Captain is merciless._

"Yes, Captain." you said dryly. You hated laps with a burning passion. Seriously, damn them all.

"And have fun trying to find something to eat. The food's probably all eaten up now." he said, turning on his heal and making his way out your door.

"Sure." you said sardonically. You instantly regretted your word when he stopped in his tracks. _ Bad move._

"Was that sarcasm I just heard?" he said with irritation, slightly turning his cheek so that you could see the corner of his right eye.

"No sir, I apologize sir." you said almost nervously. He really seemed on edge today.

"Then why would you apologize?" He said dryly taking a step towards you. Damn, what was with him? He's never been so touchy with attitude. Or maybe it was because it was coming from you? You were never the one to be sarcastic or mean or sassy about something. That was always Petra. You felt your eyes get a little warm as you tried to think of what to say, whilst Levi neared you.

_Petra, _you thought. _Dammit. No._

You would've replied to him if another figure hadn't appeared in your room. It wasn't anybody you knew, but he had the Recon Corps crest on his uniform. You and Levi both noticed him as he strolled in with some empty boxes.

"Hello Captain, (Last Name)," the man saluted, "I've come to, uh, gather her things." he motioned towards Petra's side of the room. He continued into the room and set the box down next to Petra's bed, starting to open a drawer.

"Wait," you said, grabbing his hand away from the drawer. _What were you doing?_

"Erm, what?" the man said, obviously confused and a tad scared at your action.

"C-can you maybe come do it a little later?" you stuttered and your grip on his hand got a little tighter. The man winced, making you realize what you were doing. You were embarrassed of your actions.

"I'm sorry," you said, releasing his hand from your death-grip.

"I don't think that's possible," he said, "but I can work something out." You discovered a look of understanding in his eyes and you thanked God for it. Half-expecting the Corporal to instantly shove down the idea of putting off the clean-up of the room, you held your breath. You never heard a testimonial from the man. The both of you watched as the man took his boxes and left the room. The two of you were quiet for a very long time, and you realized just how quiet his breathing was. You contemplated if he was alive or not. Maybe he was a vampire?

"Like I said," he started, visibly startling you, "20 laps. Be quick about it." You watched him lead himself out of the room and close the door behind him.

_what._


	2. Chapter 2

You sighed as all the memories came rushing towards you like a tidal wave. Picking up the nearly-empty perfume bottle felt like a challenge itself. It was night. It might've been the fact that you ran 20 laps without stopping _and_ your ordinary routine of gruesome training, but your whole body felt heavy, like Petra's belongings gave off an aura of uneasiness and heartache. You had been thinking comforting thoughts that Petra would always recite to you whenever she a had a close friend who had died.

_"They're in a safe place now," _she'd say.

_"Their work here was finished and it was time for them to go,"_ she'd whispered, consoling herself before she'd make an attempt to hide her muffled cries in her pillow. You'd always plop down on the side of her bed after walking over quietly. You'd gently stroke her auburn hair and give her reassuring rubs until she sobbed herself to sleep.

You'd tried saying all that to yourself. Though the fact of the matter was that it was total bullshit and you knew it. 'It was their time'? No. Their time was ripped from them by freakish monsters we don't know jack shit about.

Your thoughts came to a halt as you came across a small chest. You lifted the clasp upward, only to find it was locked. You scratched your head.

_Hmm... Why would Petra have something locked away?_

You'd been told time and time again by countless elites, in your cadet days, that material possessions weren't something to have in the army. Petra always abided that rule. _Maybe it's something to remember her family? Or maybe an important note? _There really was no way of knowing, and breaking it open was out of the question. On that note, you continued your search through her belongings.

Petra didn't have many little mementos or little charms that you could keep to remember her. Definitely not the perfume, because in all honesty.. you knew she hated the stuff. It was weird smelling and Petra wasn't into that kind of stuff. Though it _was_ a gift from her mother - a very expensive gift, since perfume was a rarity - so it was basically a law that she wear it on special occasions, such as dinner nights with all the elites or festivals that she'd always attended when she had the chance. You sighed, recalling how much she loved going to those festivals.

You found yourself holding a pearl necklace. She had gotten it a while ago at a local festival. Your mind flashed back to the memory.

_"(First Name), look at this!" she exclaimed, anticipating your reaction to the thing._

_"It's a necklace," you said, looking at the shiny pearls glistening in the moonlight, "What about it?"_

_"(First Name), it's a __**pearl**__ necklace."_

_"And?" you weren't getting her logic whatsoever._

_She let out a small giggle. How you loved that smile._

_"Pearls are said to cure depression in women," she smiled widely, "Oh, I was thinking of getting it for you," she joked. _

_You scoffed at her words and cocked an eyebrow._

_"But seriously," she sighed. __ "They're beautiful." she stared at the white pearls. The look on her face was pure and beautiful. Serene. _

_"W-Why don't you get it?" you slightly stuttered, getting embarrassed after seeing her face in such a state._

_"For myself?" she asked._

_"Well," you__ began, __almost timidly, "Yeah... You wanted to get something, right? That's why you brought money..." you pointed at her satchel that hung nicely against her faded pink skirt._

_"I was um.. actually," __she hesitated for a moment__. "I was going to buy something for you."_

_You gasped lightly and you swore you felt a blush creep onto your features. She smiled the most heart-warming smile you've ever seen. That's it. You were definitely blushing now._

_"R-Ral.. I mean, er, Petra, you don't have to get anything for me," you said, "I know you've been saving that money up... So just, I don't know..." you stumbled on your words. You hadn't said anything like this in a long time, "..Let me get it for you."_

_Petra's f__ace showed a series of emotions.__ From concerned- because of your stuttering speech- to surprised, and finally elated and full of joy._

_"(First Name)!" she __exclaimed__, suddenly wrapping her arms around you in a big hug. You let go quickly, not used to physical contact from another person._

_"But," you started again, "__**you're**__ going to have to buy it with my money." You started going through your bag, searching for your wallet._

_"W-Wait, but why?" she asked, obviously confused at your suggestion._

_"Well, since you're talking of superstitious bullcrap," you smirked, "Pearls are also known to be bad luck if they're given as a gift."_

_"..So that's why I have to buy them?"_

_"Yes, but with my money, so it's technically a gift but technically not since you handed the money over to the merchant."_

_She giggled._

_"You're amazing, (First Name)." She turned around just in time to miss the biggest, __realest__ smile you'd shown in a long, long time._

You frowned at the memory.

"I wonder," you thought aloud, "if there's a superstition about keeping a dead person's pearl necklace."

Your legs twitched from underneath you at the sound of the door swinging open. You quickly turned to meet eyes with your superior.

"Sir." you got up and saluted the Corporal. His eyes went from yours to the pile of Petra's belongings.

"Are you finished?" he asked, straight faced.

You left your stance and drifted your gaze to your little pile of things you'd decided to keep. Most of it was for close friends and family of Petra's.

"… Just about, sir." you finally stated. A sad silence followed. You'd thought at the moment that both of you were feeling the same thing. Something wasn't right about it. You had known, in the deep depths of your brain, that Petra was most likely going to die on one of these missions. You had always pushed the thought back. Now that it'd actually happened, you couldn't quite bring yourself to accept it. There wasn't any closure. There were things your wanted to show her, things you wanted to say to her.

After what seemed like an eternity, you looked Levi straight into his steel blue eyes.

"Corporal."

"What?" he muttered, glaring eyes piercing your gaze like they've never done before.

"I, uh.." you started, not knowing how to put your thoughts into words, "How... How did Petra die?"

He turned his head away, almost like he was dodging your question.

"You don't know enough to understand what happened..." His eyebrows scrunched together in thought.

You went back to your pile of trinkets and grabbed a piece of cloth. It was an embroidery that Petra had made a while back out of boredom. On it stood a proud pair of wings - the Wings of Freedom. Holding it in your hands, you looked your superior in the eyes again. He seemed a bit uneasy by your unusual behavior.

"This is for you," you held the cloth out, "...to remember." He looked at the cloth with his usual steely expression, only a flicker of feeling rising in his eyes. He slowly took it from your fingers, folded it up, and put it neatly in his jacket pocket. Folding his arms behind his back, he nodded once in approval.

He turned and led himself out of your dorm. _Wait, _you thought, _he just came in to see how I was doing?_

Your thoughts turned to Levi for the moment.

_Did he feel responsible? _

The whole time he was there, he was as stern and glaring as ever, maybe a hint of sadness showing in his eyes. You've always wondered about Levi. You knew Petra had thought of him as a magnificent soldier, and she'd never thought of him any other way. She would always speak of how funny it was that Levi was actually a _thug_ in the underground. Though, she would also say she thought it was amazing that _you_ were in the Survey Corps, as well. Your mind strayed.

You remembered how she'd always told you she wanted you to be happy.

_"Someday, I want to see you hanging with these other fellows, they're not half bad!" _she'd exclaimed as you scoffed and thought, _Tch, I don't need anybody else._

For the next hour or so, you pondered. You pondered how she died, what her last words were, what her father had said to Corporal, and many, many things...and frankly, it wasn't making you feel any better. You felt empty. You, honest to God, didn't know what to do with yourself. You didn't even get to say a proper goodbye when she left for the mission.

Your heart sank. You found it extremely hard to cry.

_Why aren't I crying?_

_Aren't you supposed to cry when a close friend dies? _

_It's what Petra would've done._

You wondered if she was terrified in her last seconds, if it was a gory and painful death, if it was surprising and a total accident that shouldn't have happened. You wondered why, just_ why_ they didn't bring back a body to bury. You needed closure, you needed to say goodbye, you needed to sing her that damned song... Your eyes filled with tears and you clenched your fists. You felt like you were suffocating. You got a sudden urge to write ugly things, to draw ugly things, to do something totally out of your character to get these thoughts out. You needed closure. _**Closure**_**.** Where would you get it? Her family? Friends?

You felt like punching something, or _someone._ Extremely aggravated and emotionally drained, you curled up on the floor, unable to move yourself from the position.

_Petra, what the actual fuck._


	3. Chapter 3

"Tch.." you muttered as you ripped the tape and secured the rest around your arm. Life had, unsurprisingly, gotten tough. You inched yourself into a squatting position and straightened your legs. You winced. Even standing up was painful.

You sighed. You were getting tired of this. As you grabbed your button-up, a loud knock sounded from your door.

"Don't come in." you said, a little louder than you wanted to sound. To your surprise, nobody answered you. To be quite honest, you were expecting Corporal. Ever since Petra's death, he'd been coming by your room a lot more often. Before she died, he didn't really bother coming by at all. It was like you were invisible. The two of you rarely spoke to one another.

After you thought you were decent, you opened the door to see if the person (whoever it was) was still there. They were. Standing in front of you was one of the new recruits; a Cadet. You didn't know his name since you didn't really work with the Cadets, but you took note of how intense his blue eyes were. It caught you off guard. As soon as he saw you, he saluted, almost nervously.

"Ma'am," he started, "your company is needed by Commander Erwin."

_Why did he salute me? _you thought.

"Oh." you replied. The two of you stood there a little while longer. You didn't really know what to say to that, or if you should even say anything. The air around you turned awkward.

"W-Well," he finally said, "have a nice day, ma'am." he turned and started walking back down the hall, probably eager to get out of the Elites' area. You had to admit, you were intimidated by the place as a newbie.

"Uh, hey," you called after him before he was too far down the hall.

"Yes, ma'am?"

_What's up with this 'ma'am' shit?_

"What's your name?" you asked, almost ordered.

His eyes widened a bit. "Oh me?" he said sheepishly, "My name is Armin Arlert, and you?"

_Ahhh. So he didn't know me either._

"You can call me (Last Name). That's what everyone calls me."

"Well, all right (Last Name). It was nice finally meeting you." he smiled warmly. You didn't know what it was that hit you, but something felt like it had. You could only stare at his grin and nod. You swung the door shut after immediately retreating back into it. _That smile..._

You put your head in your hands. He probably thinks you're the strangest person now. To add onto that, your appearance probably would've freaked anybody out. What you thought had been decent was far from it. Your (h/c) hair was down and messy, both your hands were in bandages, and last but not least, blood from your wound had seeped through the bandage and had stained your shirt. Your white shirt. _Damn it._ You fought back the urge to punch something, your pain being the thing holding you back. Instead, you changed your bandages.

You had really turned into a klutz. Your thoughts were always far off and you found yourself daydreaming more often than not. Most of them were flashbacks. During your time in the forest, where all the trainees trained, you worked on your 3dmg skills independently. You focus was better out there. You were skilled with the 3dmg, and had a reputation of being able to keep up with Corporal sometimes. While you were on your way back, you made the terrible mistake of forgetting to unhook your wire from one of the trees. Before you knew it, you were on the ground with a huge gash from your sword.

Tending to it on your own was not an easy task.

Keeping it secret wasn't a very easy thing to do either.

After you finished confirming you were _f__or sure_ decent, you began walking to Erwin's quarters. Arriving, you hesitated a bit before knocking softly on the wood.

"Name and business?" you heard.

"It's (Last Name)."

"Come in." you heard. You opened the door to greet two figures in the room. You closed the door behind you after recognizing the figure leaning up against a wall as Corporal.

"Sir." you said and saluted your Commander and Corporal.

"Please," Erwin motioned towards the empty chair facing his desk, "sit down."

You gulped. You've never been asked to do that when you were called down there. This is probably serious. Nonetheless, you sat down in the chair and noticed how comfortable it was. You relaxed your injured arm on one of the arm rests.

"Now," Erwin began, "I'm ready to put you out there. For real, this time."

_What? Now __**that **__sentence was confusing._

Erwin saw your puzzled expression and chuckled to himself.

"I'm putting you in Levi's squad."

With that, your eyes widened. _Levi's squad?_

"Before you get apprehensive about it, let me tell you it won't be a mission like the last one." he said, locking his blue eyes with your (e/c) ones.

_So in other words,_ you thought to yourself, _it won't get me killed like the last squad._

_Like Petra._

You glanced at your new Captain who seemed to be avoiding eye contact and staring off at something. You returned your gaze at your Commander, his hands now locked with each other and covering the bottom part of his face. Your palms started to sweat.

"So... What do you mean by 'putting me out there'?" you asked.

"Well, you are aware of what had happened during the last mission, right? You were informed?"

"Yes, I was." You remember it all too well. Hange was the one who told you. You and her had... an interesting relationship. Hange really loved hanging out and poking fun at you. She called it an "abusive relationship" and though it only one-sided, not knowing that you truly did trust and value her privately.

Though, just like everyone, there were moments when you really wanted to push her into a titan's mouth. She put great detail into the story and while it may have been a super awesome, action-packed, all-in-a-day's-work story for her, it was a nightmare just listening for you. You could barely concentrate without wanting to slap her. The whole Cadet-Turning-Into-a-Titan was confusing in the first place. You'd heard all the stories from Petra who had to work with him face to face, watching him turn from a tiny human being to a giant monster in the matter of seconds. Now, there were more people like him. Some, like Eren, were on your side. Some obviously weren't. In a way, it was mortally terrifying.

_That damned female..._

You wanted to find out just who it was and rip it apart. Never before had you felt such an urge to kill a titan. Petra was killed... By _it. _She was killed by a human dressed as a titan.

...Trying to think rationally, you concluded that if the female titan _was_ a part of humanity's civilization, it would be in the Military Police. This, you were sure of.

"We learned from this past mission that there is much more to titan shifters. This is a mission where the only goal is to discover as much as you can about the titan power, which would be Eren." He said, putting his hands down, "I know you're good for this job. I've never seen you make an illogical decision and you rarely screw up."

You chuckled internally as you felt you arm throbbing in pain. It was mostly true, but you _were_ human. You did screw up sometimes, though you hid it and never allowed anybody to know. Nonetheless, Petra always knew. She saw right through your poker face when you were in pain yet she never told anybody.

_Probably not wanting to bruise my pride, _you thought dryly.

"Thank you." you accepted the compliment. "I accept my position."

"Good. Departure is in three days. Levi?" he looked to where the short man was standing, "Any words of encouragement?"

Levi directed his gaze to you. "Don't die."

While to some it would've seemed normal, like he's just trying to scare you. He did say the phrase a lot, followed by "dumbass" or "brat". But at that moment, you felt a shiver run down you spine, through the nerves of you thighs, all the way down to the tips of your toes. Something about the way he said it to you with his eyes stuck on yours like that was almost... scary. Like he really meant it.

"Y-Yes sir." you didn't blush. In fact, your whole body felt like ice.

"Good then," Erwin said, "That's all I wanted to talk to you about." You stood up from the chair, missing it's warmth and comfort the second you were off of it. After saluting your superiors, you turned and walked to the door.

"Oh, and (Last Name)," he said, stopping you in your tracks, "it'd be a good idea to meet the other Cadets working with you on Levi's squad."

_Crap, _you thought. _I have to socialize?_

"It_ is_ better to have more friends in this type of business, contrary to popular belief. In a way, it keeps your head up."

_That sounds familiar. _An image of Petra flew through your mind.

"Honestly, (Last Name), you need to interact with your fellow soldiers or the team won't work." He said, "I want you to remember the names and meet them at some point today."

You sighed, making your distaste obvious.

"Eren Jaeger, Sasha Braus, Connie Springer, Jean Kirschtein, Mikasa Ackerman, Armin Arlert, Reiner Braun, Bertholdt Fubar, Ymir, and Christa Lenz."

"I'm never going to remember that." you answered in annoyance.

"That's too bad, now, isn't it?" He smirked. _Woah, Commander._

"Most of them are probably gonna be wasting time in the mess hall, I know for sure that the blonde flower boy is gonna be in the library." Levi interrupted.

"Armin?" Erwin asked.

Captain just nodded.

_Ahhh, there's someone I know already,_ you thought. _I'll just go talk to him and he can help me._

After saluting your superiors again, you left Erwin's quarters in a less-than-happy state. Knowing you didn't have much free time in the day to socialize, you decided to get started on this mission right away. You headed for the library. Opening the giant doors, you took in the scent of old books. It was a nice smell.

Since you were looking for someone and not something, it made the whole situation kind of scary. For one, hardly _anyone_ was in the library. You rarely went there; you usually asked Petra to fetch you some books on this or that. It was good that the boy had kind of bold features- that'd help you in your search. He wore his hair a bit longer and you couldn't miss those big blue eyes. Something about them reminded you of her.

You walked past the history section and found yourself in anatomy. This was your favorite. Feeling a tinge of curiosity, you picked up one of your favorites. Flipping through it, you admired the knowledge and understanding of the human body. Though the knowledge was extremely commendable, you couldn't pull yourself away from one key part of anatomy books: drawn subjects. Anatomy had always helped you in drawing subjects, since the human body is one of the hardest things to draw. You could never get a still body out here in the Scouting Legion to take a good, long look at. Anatomy books were your best bet.

"Oh, hey (Last Name)!"

You jumped a little in surprise by the sudden voice. You almost sighed in relief, seeing it was Armin.

"H-Hello." you said, still a bit skittish from the sudden greeting.

"You like anatomy?" he said, his gaze glossing over the vast selection of information. You could've sworn he had a look of pure love in his eyes.

"Ahh, yeah. It's just something I've always been interested in.." you said a bit quietly. Talking to other people was weird.

"Nice. So.. I've never seen you in the library, is there something specific you were looking for? I could probably find it for you."

You snapped to reality realizing the thing you were looking for was him. The human being standing right in front of you.

"You." you said, probably a little too serious because Armin's face went from politely interested to slightly terrified.

"I- Uh," you stuttered, "We're on Levi's squad together. I was recruited just this morning."

"Levi's squad?!" he exclaimed, "S-s-so you're going to be helping with Eren? You know what's going on?"

You took a step back in fear of him tackling realized what he was doing and immediately apologized, "I-I'm so sorry, it's just that ever since that mission..." by his expression, you could tell that _some heavy shit went down_.

"Nah, it's fine. I get why you'd be scared or anxious about Eren.."

"Do you know Eren personally?"

"Er.. No," you said sheepishly, "I don't really know anybody on the squad except for you and the Captain."

"Oh, do you want to meet them?" he asked, and you thanked God that he did.

"Yeah, that'd be great." _Freaking Erwin..._

"All right, just give me a moment." he said and scurried off somewhere else in the building.

_...okay._

You relocated yourself to the middle of the library. The place was beautiful- it had a tall ceiling with a giant map of the walls, shelves upon shelves of knowledge and history and fantasy and anything else you could think of. That was one of the good things about being in the Survey Corps: you gained access to these types of places. Most of the libraries were managed by the Survey Corps since they were the ones in need of knowledge most of the time.

Your attention was shifted to Armin as he carried way too many books in his arms. He seemed to be struggling, so you started walking over and asked him, "You need help?"

"No thanks, I can carry them," he said as one came tumbling down. You sighed at his attempt to protect his pride and took half the books in his arms, including the one that had dropped.

"Thanks," he said, an embarrassed smile spreading on his fair face.

"No problem." After filing the books back where they belong, you both started out towards the mess hall. He talked to you as if he'd known you for a while, just like Petra had done when you'd first met her. You gulped.

You palms started to sweat as you walked into the mess hall. _Well, this is a new feeling,_ you thought. You had no idea how you were supposed to greet them. This was completely new to you. Before you knew it, you were standing in front of two tables seating nine other cadets. _Great, they're all together._

They all stared at you with bewildered expressions and switched their gaze from you to Armin, searching for an explanation. Armin looked at you. _Oh, you were introducing yourself._

"I'm Elite (Last Name), and I'll be accompanying you all on the next mission by the order of Commander Erwin."

"I don't think you need to be so formal," Armin half whispered and nudged your arm, earning himself a surprised expression from you. _Why was he being so nice?_ At this point, everyone was on their feet and saluting to you. _Why the hell were they doing that?_

One by one, they told you their name.

"I'm Christa Lenz, nice to meet you!"

"Ymir."

"I'm Reiner."

"I'm Bertholdt Fubar.

"I'm Mikasa Ackerman."

"Sasha Braus, nice to meet you ma'am!"

"Connie Springer, ma'am."

"My name's Jean Kirschtein, and this one over here," he patted the other boy on the back a little harder than someone would like, "is the idiot himself."

The boy shoved him off and said, "I'm Eren Jaeger."

_So this was him._

"Titan boy?" you said without thinking. You gained quite a few laughs with that comment. Eren stood there, obviously unsure what to say.

"Sorry Jaeger, I mean are you the titan shifter?" you asked.

"Yeah, that'd be me." his tone hinted a bit of sadness. You took note of it.

You took in a big breath of air. "Well," you suddenly said, "it was nice meeting you all." You took a step-

"W-Wait," Christa interjected, trying her best not to sound pushy.

"Yes?"

"D-Do you know what's going on? This mission seems a bit random after such an event as the last one.."

You paused to think before speaking again. "I agree with you. My personal thoughts are that we should find out just who it is and try to fix this shitty situation we're in..."

Everyone looked at you with either surprised or intent expressions, waiting for what you'd say next.

"..but we should trust the decisions of our superiors and go with it. They've probably put way more thought into it than we have." you said. Everyone seemed to be in deep thought, so you took the chance to walk away from the awkward tension you'd just created.

"Whew.." you breathed. You started walking back to your dorm.

"Wait, (Last Name)!" you heard Armin trying to catch up with you.

Stopped in your tracks and a little annoyed in the least, you returned your attention to the boy.

"I - er - we.." he tried to catch his breath.

"We...?" you asked, sounding a bit impatient.

"We... we know who the female titan is."

* * *

**Author here, I forgot to do this to the previous chapters, but this message does count for all of them. So,**

**ALL CHARACTERS ARE ISAYAMA HAJIME'S. pls don't sue me.**

**I'm probably dragging it on, but this is just what's pictured in my head. If it's boring, I'm sorry :/ I'll start picking up the pace soon.  
**

**Thanks so much for reading my story in the first place! Your reviews mean a lot to me and bring a huge smile to my face. :))**


	4. Chapter 4

You slammed you hands down on the desk.

"Commander," you started sternly, looking him dead in the eyes.

"(Last Name), we have a reason, so you're just going to have to obey orders and go with the plan." he said, trying to calm you.

You breathed heavily out your nose before asking him in a shaky tone, "Why wasn't I notified...?"

Silence.

"WHY WASN'T I NOTIFIED?!" you were shouting at this point. To your surprise, Erwin looked a little frightened. You've never shown such behavior.

"We have a reaso-"

"Commander. You cannot, by any means, expect me to trust you if you don't trust me." you've never talked to someone like this. Your voice shook with anger. "Now... You're saying that we know the murderer... we know the person who killed-" you stopped yourself. There was no use going on- you were acting childish. You knew perfectly well that you should trust your superiors. You took a deep breath and tried to forget the piercing image in your mind. Your vision blurred.

"I... apologize, Commander... I just..." _No. _"N-Never mind..."

Straightening and readying yourself to leave before you embarrassed yourself any further, you heard someone come in. You stopped making any movements, knowing who it was.

"Erwin, I have more reports from the last mission. Idiotic people aren't getting them in on time..." he griped. He then stopped when he noticed you walk past him and towards the door.

"(Last Name)." you heard your Captain say, stopping you in your tracks. Taking a slow and silent breath, you turned to him and saluted.

"Sir." you said, as usual. You felt your eyes to be a bit red from watering.

His stony glare caught yours. Yeah, _you_ were glaring back.

"My office, after I'm finished here."

_Damn, _you thought.

You saluted and replied with the usual "Yes, Sir."

Walking out the door, you dreaded what you had coming. Never have you been called to _**Levi's**_quarters. Never. Not even once. You still didn't exactly know how you felt about the man. Petra respected him greatly, and that made you wonder.

_Dammit, Petra._

You waited patiently outside Erwin's quarters for your Captain. After what seemed hours of standing, you decided it really wasn't worth it.

You plopped down beside the door, enjoying the feeling of the pain subsiding in your legs. The fall you'd taken earlier had a great impact all throughout your body. Even though your ability to hide being in pain was extraordinary, it was still there. Your arm most likely needed new bandages, your legs ached from falling on them, and your abdomen felt sore to the core from having to walk all the way to your dorm from where you'd fallen. Nothing serious, much to your luck.

Your bliss was inevitably interrupted by a pair of freshly polished boots. Without looking up, you got up to salute your superior. He nodded, signaling you to follow him. You did as you were instructed with a weary step in your stride. Good for _you,_ his quarters were on the other side of this damn building. Neither of you were in the mood for talking, and the silence caused the air to become awkward.

You received a surprising amount of worried expressions throughout the hall, including Armin's. You kept your head forward.

Arriving at your destination, your Captain opened the door and walked inside. You followed suit. His quarters were even cleaner than you expected. Sure, everyone's felt the wrath of Levi and his cleaning expectations, but his quarters went above and beyond that. Like he was going easy on you guys. His desk was spotless, the floors had been swept a few times very thoroughly, and above all, you could not spot a speck of dust. Talk about clean.

"Sit." he ordered, sitting behind his own desk. You obeyed his command.

He seemed to wait for you to say something. You didn't have anything to say, so you kept silent. Seemingly getting annoyed with your reticence, he began to speak.

"Tell me what happened back there." ...and with that, you were stuck. Because what, in the flying fuck, had happened? Are we talking metaphorically? Because metaphorically, you'd filled up a glass of water that took probably years to fill up, and you roundhouse kicked it over. Like you'd break down a door. Now the water was everywhere and you were all wet and sad. So is the glass, too.

"I let my emotions get the best of me, Sir."

_Saying stuff like this..._

"How so?" he asked, his disinterest showing.

"I got angry because I wasn't told that the female titan's identity was known."

His apathetic gaze fell onto you as it did with basically everyone.

_Oh no. Here comes a speech._

"I know it's hard, having different experiences and all, but trusting in your superiors is your best bet at either surviving or being some sort of help to mankind." he simply stated. You suppressed a yawn.

"Even though," he continued, "no one can really know the outcome of things. Nevertheless, right now..." his eyebrows scrunched together more, if that was even possible, "you need to do as you're told. Put your trust in me. Especially on this upcoming mission."

"Understood, Sir."

"Did you meet the cadets?" he asked, abruptly changing the subject.

"Yes, Sir."

He folded his legs in a neat fashion and created a net of fingers for his chin to rest. The sun hit his face to where his eyes kind of illuminated, sending shivers down your spine. "And what do you think of Eren?"

_What kind of question was that?_

"I do not understand the question, Sir."

"Never mind, then." he said, annoyance candidly obvious, "You're dismissed."

With that, you got up, saluted, and left. You noticed you had sweated through your shirt after taking off your jacket. Your dorm itself felt heavy; it'd felt like that ever since... Well, you know. It had a familiar sense of dreariness that brought back countless, horrible memories of the past. Of those men, of those fingernails...

You shivered. Thinking about it got to you.

Your past had been... well, let's just say it was _eventful_... though not in a good way.

The thought came to a halt when you heard quite a loud knock and a "Coming in!"

That voice... could it be... Oh no.

The door slammed open as you tried to cover yourself up. Flashing the entire Scouting Legion was not on your to-do list.

_Hange, fucking Christ, _you though.

She walked in as if there wasn't a problem at all and started with, "(Last Name)! Glad to see you're well."

A couple of Elites just so happened to be walking by your dorm just as the intrusion had occurred, causing a bit of curiosity. You walked menacingly towards the door, sweaty shirt wrapped around your naked torso, and made excruciatingly awkward eye contact with the man and woman. They saw the anger boiling and retreated back into their walk to wherever. Slamming the door shut, you swung around to meet Hange's twinkling eyes.

"(Last Name)!" she exclaimed. You noticed how out-of-the-ordinary her eccentricity was today.

You sighed in anger. "What."

"I heard you're on Shorty's squad now?" she asked excitedly.

"If you mean Lance Corporal's squad, then yes." you muttered, putting on a clean shirt. You wouldn't say you were _comfortable _ around Hange, she kind of just forced herself onto people most of the time. Rather, people just got used to her.

"How exciting!" she squealed, frightening you. You'd never thought you'd see a grown woman squeal in excitement, especially in the Military.

"Zoe," you interrupted her happiness, "please knock it off."

She just sighed in response. Hange was probably your only superior you'd shout at and not feel bad about it, because in all honesty, she knew she overdid it. She probably did it on purpose.

"(First Name)…"

Hange was probably your only superior who'd know your first name.

"Please don't call me that-"

"Let me finish." she turned to you squarely and locked her glassed eyes with yours. Her face had serious written all over it.

"Petra's memorial service will be held at her parents' house three days from now." she awaited your response.

You swallowed the lump in your throat. "I'm not going to be here, anyway."

"I know that..." she said softly, "I just wanted to know if you.. If you possibly..."

"If I possibly _what_?" you accused.

"I don't know, (First Name)! You've been beating the crap out of yourself ever since Petra died!"

"What are you-"

"Your arm." she pointed at your throbbing limb, "I don't know about it just because I witnessed you shirtless moments ago. (First Name), I can tell."

Your shock was extremely evident on your face.

"How-" you began, but was soon interrupted by Hange grabbing your shoulders and looking straight into your eyes.

"Just like any other caring friend would, (First Name)."

Your anger was very evident at this point.

"Zoe.. please leave."

"You constantly push me off, and you need to stop doing that to people. You know, people aren't that bad."

But that wasn't true. To you, at least.

Her eyes bored into yours. "...You're starting to sound like-"

"Petra, right?" she asked, eyes still focused on yours.

You shoved her off in frustration. "Stop interrupting me!"

"You've noticed things by now, right?" she asked.

"Noticed what?!" you shouted.

"Hmm." she seemed to notice, too.

"Never mind." she said, and began walking out.

"W-What..." you were very, very confused and tired of hearing those words. You heard the click of the door shutting.


	5. Chapter 5

Sigh. The Fore Party.

You unbuckled the last straps around your legs and slid them off. By the command of Squad Leader Hange, you were to attend. You've never been to the Fore Party; you only saw it as a last-time-being-with-your-friends type of deal. Sad. The Scouts held a fore party before every mission outside the walls. Everybody was invited, even scouts that weren't scheduled for departure. In disguise, it was basically a farewell party for the leaving scouts. Forever. Nobody said it, but everyone knew it. High-quality alcohol and food was served for everyone to consume. The party was nearing closer and closer. Or maybe it started already. A clock wasn't available at the moment, and you made _sure_ to take your time in getting ready.

You sighed again.

_There are gonna be so many drunks..._

"(LAST NAAAAME)!"

You hung your head as you heard a familiar screech sound from down the hall. Hange came swinging in, thank God you were clothed. The halls, at the moment, were filled to the brim with busy bodied cadets, Squad Leaders, and Elites.

"(Last Name), (Last name)!" she continued to yell.

"Hange," you said, "you're gonna give me a headache."

"Are you decent for the party yet?!"

"Wish I wasn't." you said sardonically.

She stayed silent as she grabbed your wrist and pulled you towards the door.

"S-Squad Leader!" you yelled as she pulled you out the door and down the hall. You finally gave up and walked at her pace while she tightly held your wrist, making sure you couldn't get away. When you arrived at the mess hall, you were greeted with many familiar and unfamiliar faces. Everybody seemed like they were having a good time drinking, eating, and socializing.

"(Last Name)!" a man came out of the crowd, "Congrats on being put in Levi's squad. I'm sorry about Petra."

Your heart sank. "Thank you. It's fine."

You turned away and headed towards an inhabited corner of the room. After a bit of people-watching, you noticed that your Captain was nowhere to be seen.

_Where is he? _you thought as you scanned the room.

"Looking for Levi?"

You jumped at the voice. Hange laughed at your reaction.

"He doesn't come to these parties, he hates them."

"Well at least I'm not alone..." you mumbled.

"Eh?"

"Nothing."

The two of you sat there for quite some time talking about trivial things. It surprised you how easy it was to talk after a couple cups of wine. You were hesitant about having a couple sips, but I mean, the wine was _so good._ The best you'd ever had.

You hiccupped before taking another sip. Words started to get jumbled up and the room started to spin a bit. You'd probably overdone it, though your good conscience telling you to stop did not intervene in your guzzling. Soon, sadness overtook you. Then anger. You stopped your conversation with Hange, shoving your cup into her.

"(Last Name)..?" she asked.

"D-Don't call me by my f-irst name you.. you.." you slurred as you tried to find an offensive name for the drunk lady.

"(Last Name), I think you're wasted."

"SHhHhHhhhhHHH" you sounded and placed your hand on her entire face before walking away, leaving a couple people a bit confused and giggly.

The frigid air caught your skin under your clothes, you shivered. You'd never noticed how cold it got at night. You'd slipped away from the party and out the double doors without any warm clothing.

"Daaaaamn" you breathed as you remembered taking off your jacket and laying it somewhere in the mounds of drunkards.

_Well, no going back now._

The wind carried you away from the obnoxious noise and up, onto a hill. Quarters weren't very closed off by houses; there was a bit of clear land around the whole area, making it a great place to walk around. The hill's green grass did not suffice. You started walking again.

You ended up at a large pond, hidden by a few trees. The body of water was completely still, without a ripple in sight. It was the calmest thing you'd seen in a long time.

"DAMMIT!" you roared. Your emotion welling up inside you had jumped out of your throat, and you were at fault. You didn't want to hear yourself at the moment.

"F-FUCKING.. Damn.. it.." you yelled, more at yourself than anything. No tears fell from your eyes. That, that one little detail, was what was enraging you. You wouldn't dare try and force yourself.

"Petra I.. Petra.. I.."

_Fuck._

Collapsed onto your knees, you tried to calm yourself, and to no avail.

"Petra, I cared about you!"

You felt your palms bleed from squeezing your fist.

"Petra.. I'm-m.. A mess.." you hiccupped, "Because of you.."

The air was quiet, as if listening intently on what the hell you were going on about. You felt your mind drift off to somewhere for a little while.

It drifted off to distant places in the back of your mind, to places rarely explored.

_"(First Name)!" you heard in the distance. _

_"Yes mother?" you called back._

_"Dinner, time to come home!" she said in her usual stern tone._

_You looked over at Jacob, "I gotta go, sorry!"_

_"Ugh," he complained, "you never get to do anything. We've only been out for a couple hours."_

_"Sorry." you finally said sheepishly before giving him a quick hug and running off._

_"Yes! I finally did it!" you praised to yourself. You blushed and smiled down at your feet, wondering what his reaction was to your hug as you ruffled your long grey skirt._

_"(First Name), hand me that dish." you heard your mother calling. You struggled to reach the porcelain piece of dining ware from the cupboard._

_"Sweet Maria, child. You need to grow a couple inches," she said as she took it down herself._

_"I'm only 8, though!" you informed, almost proudly._

_"I know that."_

_Hearing the door open, you knew it was him. You quickly fixed yourself onto a chair. You stared down at your lap._

_You heard a sudden 'thud' noise and him yell afterwards, "Who the hell left this right in my Goddamn way?!"_

_You swallowed the lump in your throat as you recognized the object to be your doll, which he'd just tripped over._

_"It was mine, father." you said truthfully._

_"You bitch," he swore, throwing the toy straight into your face with brute force, "I already had dinner, hon. I'm gonna hit the hay."_

_"Yes, sweetie." she chimed. Your hands were shaking fervently and your eyes felt like a dam about to burst. You looked hopelessly to your mother, wishing for her comfort. She caught you in the corner of her eye and scoffed, returning to her duties._

_Of course, you thought to yourself, why would she even.._

_You'd lived inside of wall Sina for a whole 8 years, but you'd never seen something just as spectacular as this._

_Fire light bounced off the streets as the fire juggler stunted once again._

_"Wow.." you breathed._

_"Isn't it great?" you heard Jacob through the mass amounts of people._

_You'd snuck out at night to see the festival that Jacob, your best friend, had always talked to you about._

_"Let's go to the shops!" he exclaimed for the fifth time._

_"Why do you wanna go to the shops so much? I love it right here!" you said._

_"I just wanna go, c'mon!"_

_"Fiiiine." you let him drag you out of the mob. The two of you weaved through mounds of people dressed in costume, animals, and merchants wanting to sell their latest trinkets._

_When the two of you finally got to a shop full of toys, Jacob turned to you._

_"Look at all this!" he exclaimed happily._

_"Hah, yeah," you said. Toys didn't really interest you as much as they did him. You were given tons of toys, all kind of toys. They left a bad taste in your mouth once you realized that your parents were just trying to distract you with something. You were given plenty of things, though they were only meant for temporary happiness. _

_"Hey, give me some money!" Jacob exclaimed after searching around the store._

_"M-Money?" you questioned him. You've never had money._

_"C-mon, I know how rich your family is. Just gimme a little, please? Come on, I'm your best friend, right?"_

_"Jake.." his words made you sad. Yes, your family was a pretty well-known and wealthy family, but not for good reasons._

_"Seriously?! You're that selfish?!" he was yelling at this point. Your eyes welled up with tears and began to stream down your face._

_"Why are you being like this?!" you said. Your heart felt heavy. Jacob had never made you felt like this. He was the person you came to when you needed to feel _better.

_"Maybe I will take up that offer.." he mumbled._

_"W-What..?" you asked, confused and hurt._

_"I'll give you one more chance. Give me some money like a good friend would or I'm leaving." _

_You looked around, wanting someone to step in, tell him to stop, something. Though from the outside, it probably looked like a little children's quarrel. _

_"I don't have any money!" you finally said._

_"You don't have to lie to me, but fine." he said as he started out the shop. Panic washed over you._

_"Jacob, don't leave me! I don't know how to get back and.." you trailed off, trying to keep him in sight as you dodged towering men and women in the crowded street. You kept following as he walked into an alleyway. You didn't question it; you were too panicked to notice how shady the place was._

_You were suddenly grabbed by the arm. Jacob turned around as you cried out for his help._

_"How much..?" you heard him mumble to another large man. The man gave Jacob what seemed like a bag of coins. You felt the blood drain from your face, as you went numb in the stranger's arms._

_No..._

_The man talking with Jacob spoke, "What caused you to change your mind?"_

_Jacob looked at you, avoiding eye contact, "Nothing special..."_

_Your eyes were wide as you watched him stand there with his little bag of coins. You felt a sharp pain in your head before everything went black._

_You woke up to a stench._

_Your head throbbed with pain, and your clothes were ripped in various places._

_You quickly leaned over to the side of yourself and threw up. It was a giant mess; you were left unconscious on a mere wood floor. You tried your best not to get the bile on you. You sniffled as hot tears left your cheeks. You were heartbroken, confused, and terrified. The room was empty except for a little tray consisting a role of bread and a cup of dirty water. _

_You hurled again at the smell of your surroundings. Where were you? Why were you here? And why did it reek of sewage?_

_"Tell him we'll torture the little bitch until he pays the ransom!" you heard from another room._

_Another man answered, "Yes sir."_

_You tried to keep quiet. You had no problem since your voice felt like it had left your body. Your body felt cold, as if all your blood had been drained. The only warmth you could feel was in your eyes, where tears were falling down your bruised cheek. The door suddenly swung open, revealing a tall man._

_"Well, well," he said, looking straight into your wide eyes._

_You couldn't speak. You tried to find words, phrases, anything that would help your confusion, but nothing left your lips. You continued to stare as tears fell down your face._

_You were terrified._

_"The only thing to do now is wait," he finally said, "to see if your parents really want you."_

_Silence._

_After looking at his surroundings, he finally spoke, "Until then..."_

_You waited, frozen._

_"I think I'll have some fun."_

_Your eardrum-shattering screams could be heard outside the hideout._

_Though in the underground, no one questioned it. No one questioned the rape, no one questioned the screaming, no one questioned the torture. You were helpless against the men, all wanting a piece of you._

_You screamed again as you were thrown against the wall._

_"I'm done with you, you're too loud!" he ranted and slammed the door, leaving your damaged, naked body on the floor. _

_It'd been a week. One week, and you wanted to die. Though, they wouldn't let you. _

_You sniffled._

_"Where are my parents.." you sobbed, "W-whe re are-my... par-rents.."_

_You never longed for their comfort so much. One small piece of you knew very well that they didn't want you. In spite of that, you held onto the thought of your father paying the ransom for who knows what and inviting you into his arms. However, as the days passed by, nothing of it ever came up._

_"W-where are my parents..?" you asked timidly one day, as a man came in with your roll and cup of water._

_He sighed._

_"You think you'd be here if your parents wanted anything to do with ya?"_

_"But-"_

_"You're stuck here, sugar. Forever until you die. Your daddy's 'no' made that very clear to us. Now you're just our toy for whenever we get bored." he snickered as he slammed the door shut._

_"No.." you breathed, shortly before sobbing into yourself. Making sure you weren't being too loud, you grieved._

_This.. was unnecessary._

_The torturing became less frequent as the men became bored of you, and you became prone to pregnancy. There was almost nothing to do in your little isolated room. Sometimes, after someone would leave after giving you open cuts, you'd draw with your blood. It sounds crazy, though you thought it was a better use for your blood then to let it trickled down everywhere. _

_Sometimes, the main thug that'd been watching over you from the start would open the little window in the upper corner of the room to air the place out._

_You didn't make any attempt to call for help; nobody would answer._

_During the time that the window was open, you'd heard a song. It was sang over and over again. The man singing sounded old and raspy, though the song comforted you in your darkest days when the men gave you no mercy. You'd sing it to yourself after they'd leave, consoling yourself and telling yourself that you'd slaughter them someday. Your hatred grew as the months passed. Though, you were weak._

_You needed to get stronger._

_The thing was, there was no way to._

_You were hopeless._

_You'd gotten used to the way they treated you. It didn't phase you anymore. You'd already had one abortion thanks to the men keeping you captive, and it didn't look like it was going to stop anytime soon._

_"Yeah! I...Big bro..." you barely heard some words coming from outside the window. The voice sounded a bit different this time. You focused all your hearing on the outside._

_"Really, now? Well, it seems you're in good hands," the man that always sang said._

_"Hah, hell yeah, I am!" a young girls' voice sounded from the outside. She must've been a teenager, from the sound of her._

_"Hey old man," she started again, "Why do you always sing out here?"_

_He gave a chuckle and said, "Because sometimes people give me money so I can get some food. People like to hear people sing."_

_"Ain't that the truth," you said to yourself._

_"Woah!" she glowered, "Will you teach me?" _

_As the conversation went on, you couldn't help but feel sadness once again. You'd thought you'd gotten over your fate, but it was apparent that you hadn't. _

_She sounded so... lively._

_It had been 4 whole years since you were abducted. You laid still on the floor, looking up at the ceiling. You let your mind wander. You thought about every thing you could; every last bit of your memory of everything. Jacob, your mom, dad, the fire juggler, the way the bell sounded in Wall Sina, the look of disgust from your dad. You just thought._

_After about two days of no food or water, you began to get a little irritated._

_Why hadn't they come yet?_

_Are they just gonna leave me to die?_

_You heard some shuffling around outside your door, then some muffled voices._

_"..alright.. Time to loot up!"_

_That voice!_

_Confused as you were as to why she was in there and the men weren't, you spoke for the first time in a while, _

_"He-Hello?" _

_The shuffling stopped. After a few moments of silence, she finally spoke up, "Someone here? I got a knife, ya know!"_

_"I'm in here!" you said, knowing she wasn't the type to hurt strangers._

_The door opened, and you were greeted with a pair of big green eyes._

_She gasped at the look of you, how you were curled up naked on the cold floor._

_"Y-You poor thing!" she said, coming forward and throwing her cloak around you._

_"What's going on..?" you asked, voice barely above a whisper._

_"We beat those bastards who've been keepin' ya. Glad we did, too! They were a bunch of nasties. Even chopped my hair!" she said, pointing to her short, red hair, which probably used to flow long._

_"Oh.." you said, slowly standing up. With her help, of course._

_"Now, where're you from?"_

_"Sina." you said, flatly._

_"Oh, so you're a richie, eh?" she nudged you, "I'm sure you're nice, though. Here, I'll loot this place up later and since I'm not with my two friends, I'll show you to the Military Police and they can get you outta here. Bet you're itchin' to see your folks-"_

_"No."_

_She looked surprised at your blank face, no turned into an angry, hateful one._

_"Oh, well at least lemme show you to the MP so you can go back to Sina-"_

_"I'm never going back there. Not ever."_

_"Why you say that?" she asked, now looking intently at you._

_"Wall Sina has too many scum that I don't want to deal with."_

_She laughed, "I see how your language has been altered being down here 'n all.."_

_She led you to where the MP were surveying, making sure to tell you not to tell on her since she, too, wasn't very liked by the MP. Before you two could part ways, you made sure to tell her "Thank you." _

_"No problem, little lady!" she had said back with that giant smile._

_You never did get to know what her name was._

_The day you came back was a startling one._

_For one, you hadn't seen the sun in 4 years. Secondly, you found out that your parents, along with a lot of other people had died because of a disease that was spreading. It, thankfully, was stopped in its tracks thanks to a doctor living out in Maria._

_What did you want to do with yourself now? You had no idea. You just wanted a distraction. _

_That being said..._

_You signed up for the Military._

When you finally came to your senses, it was dawn. The sun was just peaking out from behind the horizon. You slowly brought yourself upward. You felt a huge chill rush over your back as something fell off of it.

_A.. Jacket?_

Not just any jacket, it was your jacket. Someone had taken it, looked for you, and put it on you without you even noticing.

_Wow._

You slid it onto your arms and started walking back to quarters.

Your memories of last night were vague, and you had a feeling that it wasn't a good idea to dwell on them. You knew you'd had a terribly vague dream, so thinking about it was not on your to-do list. Waking up in the mood you were in, you didn't want to dwell on anything. You didn't want to move or think or anything else.

Nearing the quarters, you gulped back an unknown substance. You could practically see the sweat pouring off of Hange as she yelled your name over. And over.

"Squad leader," you tried to shout but just spoke. Your stomach would not take your shit today. Hange, thankful for her good sense of sound, heard you and came running towards you. Not knowing what to do, not wanting her to glomp you amidst your utter confusion in hangover land, you saluted her. This did, indeed, stop her in her tracks. She looked utterly confused at your quiet salute. You, too, were kind of surprised at your action.

"W-well, I'm glad I found you!" she exclaimed after a bit of awkward silence. Hange was not accustomed to your salutes whatsoever. It humored you.

"(Last Name)," you heard a very familiar, mono tone voice coming from behind.

"Sir." you said, saluting him as well.

"Are you sick?"

"Huh?"

"Cold, do you have a cold?" he said, a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"No sir."

"Don't go out there again, it was a pain in the ass to find you."

With that, he walked away. He was gone before you could say the words, "Yes, sir."

_Wait,_ you thought.

_Did he.. He must've.._

You felt the fabric of your Survey Corps jacket.

"Anyway!" she exclaimed, "It's time for you to go-o-o!"

"What..?" you mumbled to yourself. Then you realized.

The mission departure.

Was...

Today.

_Shit._

* * *

**Hello, Reader :D Attack on Titan, including its characters, belong to Isayama Hajime. **

**This one was really late, and you can probably expect the next one to be late, because, well... School starts this Wednesday. (ewww)**_  
_

**That being said, how're you liking the story so far?**

**...anybody know who your savior was down in the underground..? (eheheheheh)**

**I love reading your comments, so please keep commenting! Critiques, things you like about it, I don't care :D Just tell me what you think.**

**AND LIKE I SAID. The next one will most likely be late so I'm sorry in advance. TT_TT **


	6. Chapter 6

"Start downstairs and work your way upward. Do it right or I'll make you do it again."

Among the chitchat of newbies, you could always hear the Captain giving orders for cleaning duties.

"Yes, Captain Levi!" Eren answered with his usual tone of... well. Yelling. For some reason, Eren seemed awfully afraid of the Captain. You thought again about how intimidating Levi really was. You were about an inch and a half taller than him- you could only imagine how he got so damn strong as small as he was in the underground.

Nonetheless, the horse ride down to the old quarters, a giant castle-looking structure, was a dreadful one. You'd gotten yourself together in time, of course. You'd thought that remaining at a gallop on a horse would keep you awake. To your surprise, you were way wrong. Captain actually yelled at you a couple of times after you nearly rammed into him and his steed.

You sighed in frustration and softly patted your face awake.

_Did I even sleep? Did somebody drug the wine?_

You continued sweeping, a heavy dreariness hanging off your ass. Ever since last night, you'd been feeling weird. More weird than usual.

"Ah.." you whispered in pain. Pulling the long splinter of wood from your finger, you looked around for a different, less splintery broom. All the brooms were very worn down from use.

"(Last Name)?" Armin asked, both your eyes meeting each other's.

"Uh huh..." you said, still concentrated on your tiny wound

"C..." he seemed hesitant, "Can I ask you something?"

You stopped your mini operation to meet his eyes, "Yeah, sure. What is it?"

"Are.. Are you okay?"

You starred a little bit at the worried pair of blue eyes before you.

"I'm fine. Why do you ask?" you answer, surprisingly without wavering. Have you always been this good at lying?

"It's just," he began, "You seem... off.. today."

You tried to find the right words to say but your thoughts were cut short from Armin suddenly blurting with a new realization, "N-Never mind Miss (Last Name), I'm sorry I'm barging..."

And like that, he was gone wiping more windows.

You sighed. _So it is noticeable._

Again, you patted your face awake.

"(Last Name)." You heard from behind, causing you to jump in surprise.

"Woah there, you okay?" Ymir asked, a dubious look on her face.

"Do you need something?" you said, irritated that now two people are worrying about you.

"Ahh nothing, just wondering if I could go take a piss."

"I don't think I'm in charge of you guys. As far as I'm concerned, I'm just a subordinate of Captain Levi's, just like you. You'll need to ask him for such favors."

She sighed before walking away.

_Something about her,_ you though, _is strange._

* * *

It wasn't long before night surrounded the atmosphere, swallowing up every bit of light in its path.

"Kind of depressing, really..." you said to no one in particular, thinking you were alone. You weren't.

"And what would that be?"

You jumped at Captain's voice so suddenly crowding your space. You'd been feeling extremely crowded the whole day; even one other person in the room made you want to strip from the excessive body heat.

"I was just talking to myself, sir."

He walked over to the windowsill you were leaning up against. You thought he was going to do the usual swipe of the finger and oh-look-at-this-speck-of-dust-you-piece-of-shit-now-clean-it-again like he always does. But instead, he leaned on it like you were before he came in. In all honesty, it surprised you.

"Is it the night?" he finally spoke.

"E-Excuse me?" you asked stupidly.

"The night, is it depressing?"

You thought about it for a second or two.

"I.." you started, "It's not the idea of night that's depressing I guess... it's just the darkness that makes me think that." The darkness was always down there. You remembered clearly.

Your body was stiff as he sat still and surveyed the black blue night. You couldn't stop thinking about what was on his mind. You felt so distant from him all of the time.

"(Last Name)." you heard him say.

"Yes, sir." you answered, gathering your attention.

"This windowsill is nasty as fuck, clean it again." he said before leaving you alone in the room.

_Should've seen that one coming..._

* * *

Everybody, despite the situation of this mission, seemed as if they were having a good time.

After Levi had announced clean-up time was officially over, everybody gathered in the dining area to release their stress. Some ate, some wrestled, some took naps, and some just conversed. You, on the other hand, had your own business to attend to. Sneaking your sketchbook and pencil in your shirt, you snuck out of the giant building and into the wooded area. Your strides felt like they got heavier and heavier as you lost interest in just what you wanted to do a moment ago. Drawing seemed like a good stress relief. You'd thought to yourself, I'll just do what I did after Petra died. After saying that sentence, everything went downhill.

In a very short time, almost one-hundred paces out, you arrived at a small hill covered with grass. Perfect for drawing scenery.

That is, if I had any interest in drawing something, you thought to yourself. Instead of opening up the book, you softly sat on the hill. The grass was gentle - almost graceful against your touch. The mix of hot air with a gentle breeze was enough to ease anyone into a good night's sleep.

You looked to your right. You saw the hill slope down into the thick wood. The slope of the hill was smooth, without a bump in sight.

You looked to your left. The hill continued a bit more to what seemed like a rock. And the figure sitting on top of it... it was...

"...Pe.. Petra?" you felt your blood go cold.

She looked at you. You were sure of it now. Had she- or it- been there this whole time?

"Wait..." you breathed, "Petra..!"

Petra's figure started to become transparent as you tried to control your now shaking legs and panicked breathing.

"NO! PETRA!" you screamed and stumbled clumsily towards the fading figure.

The last expression on Petra's face, before she fully dissolved into the air, was one of sadness and regret.

That pained you.

After sitting completely still, you eyes not moving away from where she'd just disappeared, you stood up. You couldn't feel your heart in your chest. After a moment of silence, you reached for your hair tie and hastily pulled it off of your hair, letting it cover most of your face. You couldn't feel most of your body.

You kept your head down.

"(Last Name)..!" you heard Armin in the distance.

_Perfect._

"Ahh, (Last Name), I finally found... you..." he said in between breaths of exhaustion, "Captain said... lights out.." he regained his breath and straightened his posture.

"All the Cadets got a bit worried about you up and vanishing like that," he said, starting the walk towards quarters, "..and Captain." Without another word, you began following him, leaving your sketchbook and pencil.

Armin was a slow walker, which in turn led the walk on a little longer than you wanted. Where you wanted to be right now... You couldn't say. It wasn't in your regular dorm, nor the one you were staying at the moment. With that thought, you stopped in your tracks. Armin noticed this after a couple paces without the sound of your feet.

"(Last Name)..?" he turned, now noticing your shadowed features.

"Is... something wrong-" he asked before he noticed a tear stream down from your face.

Armin's reaction to you crying was simply one of confusion, yet unsurprised. He'd heard the storied - You'd never cried. Nevertheless, even he could see through your mask and feel this relentless uneasiness around you. He walked over to your slumped form in a cautious manner.

"(Last Name)..?"

You abruptly turned away to face the opposite direction. Tears were now at a constant stream down your face.

"(Last Name), if you don't want to let it out there, I'm fine with that..." he said in his calm, quiet tone, "I can leave if you want a moment alone..."

Armin turned to look towards quarters, making you think he was about to leave. Because of this feeling of panic, the fear of dealing with it alone, you grabbed onto a sleeve of his jacket, still covering your face with shame.

"It's fine, I'm not going anywhere..." he half whispered, patting your hand gripped tight on his jacket.

And with that, you let out your first sob. You wept in that same position; you holding onto Armin's jacket for dear life with your head facing down. A moment of this went by and you were soon enveloped into an embrace.

Your first hug since... A very long time. You didn't care how this'd look to another person. Your emotions were overtaken by sadness and regret.

This was not closure- this was torture.

A tiny part of your brain felt the embarrassment of relying on others; of calling out for attention. You didn't care. The only word that was on your mind was her name, over and over again.

You sobbed and whimpered like a little kid into Armin's embrace as he rubbed your back soothingly. You could feel your tears soaking into Armin's military jacket. You found yourself embracing him even tighter.

The feeling of another body was... calming.

After a moment of just letting go, you realized how happy you were that Armin was your friend. You wondered why a human being would be so nice and giving to another one. The thought just made an image of Petra flash through your mind, an image of her big smile as she gave you your meal.

People are...

No. You needed to say this out loud.

"People are..." you tried saying but only achieved a tear-filled whisper,

"...People are good."

This world is cruel, yet also very beautiful.

It is your choice to see one or the other. Or both.

"What was that?" you heard Armin say into your hair.

You sighed your last tear away and pulled away.

"Thank you." You said, looking straight into his blue eyes. Even in the dark, they glowed with meaning and will. You respected that.

"No problem." he said, smiled warmly, and saluted.

"You know," you said, almost chuckling, "I'm not that old. And I'm certainly no Squad Leader, so you have no need to do that." you said as you grabbed his wrist away from his chest and dropped it near his side.

"Time to get back, they're probably shitting bricks right now." you said, starting the walk back.

"Y-Yeah.." Armin said after you.

You looked back. "Hey, Arlert?"

"Yes?"

"Can you maybe keep quiet about what happened? Maybe say that you got lost on your way here?"

He chuckled. "Yes ma'am. I just want to know.."

"Know what?" you asked.

"Are you okay now?"

Sighing, you answered, "Kind of. I'm half-way there, but at least I know what to do."

Armin was completely dumbfounded at what you had said, but decided not to delve deeper on your personal situation. He'd gotten pretty personal tonight.

The two of you continued walking.

Knowing of your puffy eyes, you went in through the back, where you could arrive in your room without having to walk through the dining area. You made sure to have Armin tell them this.

Your skin felt the chilliness of the air as you undressed. Straps first, shirt second, and lastly, pants and bandages.

Exposed and cold, you crawled into your covers, snuggling into your pillow.

* * *

"She what?"

"She went through the back." Armin said.

"Or she's making you say that," Jean began, "I always get weird vibes around her."

Mikasa spoke up, "Armin, did she really go through the back? Are you sure she's in the castle?"

"I'm sure. I saw her go inside myself, you guys don't need to worry so much."

Christa began, "It's still kind of worrisome; that way takes longer than just coming through here. I kind of get a strange vibe around her too... Maybe someone should go check-"

"Brats."

Everyone's voices came to a halt at the sound of Levi's. He'd been leaning up against the wall the whole time.

"Get your asses to bed, or you redo the whole castle right now." he said before anyone could salute him.

With that, everyone, almost in a panic, ushered upstairs without a single word.

He crept along the hallway, trying not to make a noise. He hadn't done any creeping around in a while, considering the circumstances. He slowly unrolled the sleeves of his white button up.

His raven hair fell delicately to the sides of his face.

Reaching your door, he hesitated. He got over it quickly and cracked your door open. From where he was, he couldn't see if you were on the bed or not, deeply troubling him. He crept, as quietly as he could, into your room. He didn't know exactly just what he'd do if the bed was empty. Nevertheless, he continued around the big bedframe. When you came into sight, he gave a little sigh.

You were covered completely in your sheets, cuddled up in the most obscure and awkward manner he's ever seen you in. You shivered slightly. With that, he left your room and came back with another blanket.

"Idiot..." he breathed, spreading the comforter on top of your unconscious figure.

Surveying the area of your room, he cringed at the messiness of your clothing laying around everywhere. Your straps, your pants, your shirt..? Your... Your bandages..?

Without a second look or thought, he left the room as quietly as he could manage.

* * *

Waking up, you felt well rested, considering how cold it was.

_Wait._

You felt the thickness of not one, but two comforters.

_Two? How do I have..._

"Captain Levi! Squad Leader Hange has arrived!" you heard someone sound down the hall.

"First experiment, huh..." you said to yourself.

From there, you readied yourself. The rest of the day went on as normally as ever, though there was one thing slightly different now. You harbored a different feeling than before; one of determination... and slight impatience.

Sooner or later, after Eren had turned into a titan at least six times, written words in the ground, constructed a house frame, and finally, gone berserk and quit, the experiments for the day were over. Night started pulling at the light, and eventually, it was dark, the sky holding hundreds of bright stars.

Everyone was in the dining area again, a different attitude than last nights hanging depressingly over every person's head. Watching Eren turn into a titan isn't exactly an easy thing; especially seeing him go berserk the way he did. Two people had to help get him out of the thing. He needed major medical attention.

Aside from this, your personal mission became clear to you.

Leaving the heavy atmosphere, you walked briskly into the thick.

Petra, you thought, don't let me down.

Arriving in last night's spot, the very place you saw Petra, you found her.

She was there, waiting. Just like you knew she would. She wouldn't have vanished forever, seeing what her last expression was.

You walked hesitantly towards her almost transparent figure as she starred thoughtfully at your face. You came closer and closer until you were standing right in front of her sitting body which was atop the same rock as last night.

Your gazed settled upon hers.

"Listen?" you asked.

She nodded one slow nod in response.

You sang.

Edelweiss, Edelweiss,

Every morning you greet me,

Soft and white,

Clean and bright,

You look happy to meet me.

Blossom of snow, may you bloom and grow,

Bloom and grow forever...

Edelweiss, Edelweiss,

Bless my homeland forever.

The words of the song remained in your mind from your time in the underground. The song of that helpless, nearly dying man that sang for spare change.

You felt a tear escape your eye. Your eyes met Petra's, as she did the one thing you missed most.

She smiled.

She smiled that big, welcoming, beautiful smile of hers.

_This,_ you thought, _this is Petra._

You smiled weakly in response, overcome with happiness, yet filled with sadness.

She grabbed your hand in a comforting fashion, trying to speak with her actions.

"I'm fine..." you said, wiping the tears from your face with your arm. She started to disappear. It started at her legs and made its way up.

You didn't start panicking like last night.

_It's inevitable for her **not** to find peace,_ you thought.

As her arms vanished, along with the eerily warm feeling of her ghostly touch, she looked you dead in the eyes. She mouthed one word, and one word only. A word that has been used many times in your line of work. Seeing her mouth say it so blatantly made you realize just why it was said so much.

"Fight..." you repeated her word as her neck was disappearing.

This time, her last expression, before completely disappearing into the air, was a warm smile. She didn't look uneasy in any way; her expression was pure and ready.

...And just like that, she was gone.

"Fight..." you repeated,

"...Fight."

You began your walk back to quarters with a feeling that could only be known as the one thing you'd been wishing for the most.

Closure.

* * *

**Hello, reader! (I say as I hide behind a tree) Yeah, heh, this one took a while, I know. School has been taking up all my time, plus extra curricular stuff. With that, and I'm really sorry to say, my goal will be one chapter every two weeks instead of one. I'm sooooorrrrrrry . I have to memorize a bunch of lines for this play thing. How did I get involved? I'm not completely sure. Anyway, thanks for reading my stuff :D Please leave a review or fav/follow :)) I love reading your guys' reviews, they give me intense feels. 3**


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